Action research - first person

Did I mention in there, did I mention in somewhere, in there, that I traded Babe Ruth? I traded the only player bigger than the game...

Above are lyrics from an Ani Difranco tune. Not sure exactly what she meant, but for some reason they reasonate with me at this moment... Maybe it's the "bigger" part... I am leaving for Africa shortly. I had to buy size 20 lightweight pants (how's that for an oxymoron) for the trip - that is pretty fat for a women's size. Which means I'm pretty fat right now, and have been since the doctoral gig. I feel like I'm in a fat suit - like that Shallow Hal movie - my trim self is somewhere inside, still. But I've put on lots of padding in the past few years, to protect me from the slings and arrows of outrageous academic fortune and intimate relations... Size 20, and about 220 lbs. 20 is not a good number for me. Fat by any standards... Fat, but cute. Cute, but with borderline high blood pressure and cholesterol. Time to lose the fat.... Maybe I too should trade my Babe Ruth, for a Slim Fast bar, and get back to my size 12 self.

What are my other horrible truths? How about this - on my honeymoon with my (female) partner (we married in Canada), I kissed a stranger, and a male one at that. She was tired so I went out by myself (that should tell you volumes about our relationship). I have major bisexuality - sometimes I even fret that I might be a repressed heterosexual. I got drunk and some guy that I was talking with kissed me. I left the bar, but still...

Ah, speaking of bars. I love beer. I mean I really love it. Me and a six pack and some good video entertainment (a fav show or a fine flick) is one of my fav ways to spend a night. I can't recall if I've blogged about how my spouse left me and our house to go to grad school out of state. We're still together but living apart. But, I don't know what's going to happen when we live together again, because I like have my six pack nights and she doesn't drink, she can't because it was a problem for her...

I guess these are not of the darkest darkness you'll ever see... but they're dark truths for me...

Labels: Bigger Than the Game

Okay, so here I am. I don't know what I want to do when I graduate, when I grow up, never mind that I'm 35 years old... I don't know if I want to stay in my home town and teach at a local public university, or if I want to try to get into a "Research One" school... The local school appeals to my values, because it is urban and accessible to low-income students... many of the students there are non-traditional adult learners, and many are minority students. And I don't want to be a poster child of brain drain from my area, lured to another state or city... The "Research One" appeals to my intellect, and my vanity... I would have mentors, people who could really push me in my research, and lots of infrastructure and a research-oriented culture... But I'd no doubt be surrounded by a bunch of yuppy white students fresh out of high school... My advisor wants me to go for this - he thinks I deserve support to do my research work and lighter teaching load and etc etc... He says I'm a talented writer... I probably could get federal funding if I was at the right school, with the right colleagues... And maybe I could get it if I was at the "wrong" school, with mediocre colleagues... I just don't know what I want. Guess that is what I need to figure out. It is the roots/wings dilemma, to be sure... Then I think I should chuck it all and go for my MFA in creative writing... Now THAT would be cool!

Couple friends vs. friends that are a couple:
Okay, we had/ she has friends, a couple, who started out our couple friends and are now clearly her friends who happen to be a couple. How can I complain, when I never call them (they don't call me either), never initiate interaction with them (ditto for them w/ me), etc. I'd just as soon not hang with them - they're okay, but there's something that has never quite clicked with me - there is some sort of contrived free-spiritedness, and pseudo-intellectualness, and a superficial "depth", and a quiet judging, that emanates from them, at least for me. I guess it was okay and now I'm having more of an issue with it because they are so clearly on "her side", with all the stress we're now going through... I want to tell them to shut the hell up and get away from me... she is going to grad school in another state now - a 3 year program - and leaving me with the house we bought just over a year ago... she's taking out extra loans to pay her half, so I guess I shouldn't bitch... but I can't help feeling like this is the beginning of the end.... this came outta nowhere, she couldn't wait until I finished my stupid dissertation which should be next year... she had to go now when I'm only working p/t and need to stay in this area because it is where my data is being collected... we just got married a year ago... and she makes this choice like a single person, rather than a couple. And her stupid friends that are a couple are her biggest cheerleaders... I really can't stand being around them of late. They bug me for not being around them lately - they even bought me some clothes - what the hell?! Beautiful thrift finds, but I still can't stomach all them... I want to unload the house, well, I don't want to but given the drastic changes in circumstances from when we bought it, I feel like it is a brick around my neck at the moment. The stupid couple friends - they can't bear one night apart from each other, by the way - are all about her going to school out of state... and they keep leaning on me to keep the home and home fires burning... I want us to be on equal footing - each with our own apts., rather than me rattling around this house I never woulda gotten if I knew I was going to be in it alone. I love living alone, I've lived alone most of my adult life, and I don't need all this house work and a money pit to boot. I'd be fine in a small apt., with my animals and my books and computer. I feel like a desperate lesbian housewife.... trapped in a house I don't want and a doctoral program I'm getting quite bored with... and her friends that are a couple traipsing in and out. I think it is good for us to each have our own friends - and my friends are certainly loyal and are on my "side", when push comes to shove. I don't know why her couple bugs me so much - except she describes them to people as our "best friends" and I start choking and think to myself "like hell!!!".

Emotional Vomiting:

I just had a terrible row with my spouse - she is so high maintenance I can't handle it sometimes. And then she says sorry and thinks it's all fine - arguing with her is like stepping into quicksand; she sucks you in until you're completely slimed, and then she spits you out and smiles lovingly at you. Anything that I say in response to her - if it isn't what she wants to hear - she labels as 'defensiveness' and discards. She says I don't hear her. Did I mention I do counseling for a living - she is the only person on earth who has ever said I'm a bad listener. Did I mention she's very critical and confrontational and domineering. She's had a long history of trouble with co-workers and bosses re: this. I've never gotten feedback that I had such issues - until I met her. Does that sound like projection to anyone?? I've never shutdown like this before. I just don't have a single thing I want to say to her right now. Everything I can think of saying, I then think 'fuck it'. I know what she'll say - I can recite our lines ad nauseum. She is so critical, and so fragile in re: to taking in others' criticisms. The poster child for the saying 'can give it out, can't take it'. I don't even mean to criticize her - I just want to share my thoughts, feelings, reactions re: what she's saying to me, about me, at me. But if she doesn't like it, she says I'm deflecting from the 'true' issue, which is of course about my not listening to her. She then repeats what she's said over and over again - I think the ultimate goal is that I agree with her, say she's right and I'm wrong, and apologize, no matter what. Who isn't listening to who, here??????? I'm not her counselor - I'm not going to neutrally listen indefinately as she slings verbal crap at me - especially when it is about me - 'You made me feel bad with your nonverbal communication' - what the fuck is that???? So much for owning one's feelings. Whatever happened to 'I' statements??? Did I mention she frowns, eye rolls and sighs heavily more than ANYONE I know??? Of course, she says she's had these mannerisms her whole life and to deal with it and I make her feel bad by mentioning it. She's insane. Guess I am too.....

Zuni is dead - she had to be euthanized... Rest in peace, sweet girl. I visited Cinder and a new dog, Bernie, today. Bernie is a giant St. Bernard - I brought her to them - she was locked in a client's basement and being neglected...

I'm in our new house, with our fenced yard. It is lovely. We're getting married next month. What do I say to this? I love her much, but I don't think we've ever been 'in love'. We've been fighting a lot of late. She says it's stress. I say... it sucks. I jokingly mention postponing. What do I know, anyway... ?

Shit fuck damn...

No, more like just shit. I'm back dog-sitting, and I'm pissed. They're in deep denial about how much Zuni has declined - their note said she 'has accidents now and then'... they neglected to mention she's incontinent, obese, and can't walk!!!!!!!!!! We've done the vet thing.... little has changed - apparently this is her at her new baseline... I'm trapped here for two weeks and I can't keep her or the house remotely clean. They refuse to board her. I love them and I love her, but it'll be a cold day in HELL before I take on this gig again!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's monsooning outside - can't wait to take Zuni out (I half carry and half drag her cuz I can't quite lift her myself... she's easily over 80 lbs... ). I'm surrounded by shit, right down to the mouse who knawed a whole in my cheesy poof bag, ate the tops off my cheesy poofs, and left a bunch of tiny mouse turds inside the bag :(. They live in the country - I have no issues with mice, except when they take dumps in my food...

Oh yeah - I passed the infamous doctoral qualifer examine - anti-climatic. Now I'm plugging away on the dissertation - I'm on take III of ch 1 - at this rate... well... it's gonna be a haul. Good thing I have a good clinical gig and part-time teaching work...

I'm outta smokes and beer... I just sucked down a mug of champagne in their hottub, trying to relax. My anxiety is out the wazoo - Prozac isn't touching it... guess it's really not supposed to though. I'm leaving Saturday morning - can't come soon enough!!! I can't seem to chill out. Or focus. I just want to drink and smoke and watch cable until I fall asleep (not while smoking, of course...). I really really want to be home in my own space. I teach tomorrow, but have a guest speaker :).

I guess this is my journal when I'm here - somehow I always forget my paper journal when I come here, which is how I started blogging in the first place.

What do I have energy for?? Well, we're looking for a house, and I'm totally into that as a gig of sorts. I want to go to South Africa or Swaziland or Kenya. I'm getting interested in horses again. I like doing diagnostic assessments at work, although I'm well aware that I'm inscribing the medical model upon people... I can't offer a better option, though. I myself partake in the pharmecutical relief people come asking for, and my whole family is arguably mentally ill (some of us more than others). And as always, I love my animals.

I'm tired of the dissertation already. My advisor keeps making me rewrite and his style is so academic. I think he's sick of me, and maybe I'm getting sick of him. In fact, I'm sort of sick of the whole doctoral gig.

Les and I are okay. She's totally had health and somatic issues and has needed much care-giving until lately. I wonder what it'd be like to be with someone more financially stable and more healthy and more mature than me. She was offended when I said I sometimes felt like I was the adult and she was the kid in the relationship. But we both know I was accurately describing our dynamic - I manage our money, I'm always bailing her out of financial scraps and I pay for most stuff. Good thing she's a good lover - that helps a lot. I'm 33, she's 40. Feels like she's 20 a lot of the time... Except with drinking. She doesn't know how much I drink. She's in AA, and excessive drinking is a deal breaker for her. She's fairly rigid and judgemental re: alcohol consumption. She keeps track of how much I drink when I drink in front of her, and I feel self-conscious, and try to drink less with her and more with others, which has in effect shifted my drinking habits from drinking frequently and moderately to less frequently and more heavily. I'd say I'm now an occassional alcohol abuser/binger. I've been pounding all week in this literal shithole. I guess in that way she's the 'adult' and I get 'in trouble'. I wonder what it'd be like to be with a partner who wasn't bipolar and alcoholic (both Les and my ex fit this description...)

What the hell - I heard footsteps upstairs, but realized I'm not home and there is no 'upstairs' here. Maybe it is raccoons or the rain... Cinder doesn't seem worried, and she's very into guarding and protecting... Still, it's odd.

Post Test Reflections...

Well, it is over with. I think I botched the data analysis section and probably the findings/results section - I may be the second person in the history of the doctoral program to flunk the exam twice... I had the the thought that I wished I'd never entered the program when I was crying on Les after the test, but then I considered the thought and realized it wasn't true... the joys brought me outweigh the pain, even in a worst case scenario (I flunk again and get kicked out). I have met some amazing souls, I've really loved learning, and I got to stay home with my animals and get paid a stipend to study for a year and a half, as well as have my tuition paid for. Not a bad gig, all said and done, no matter what the outcome of the test...

So, if I'm ejected, what shall my next gig be?? Hmmmmmmm... I'm sick of the lotto question... I know I'll get a decent paying gig so that Les and I can get a house and she can have an art studio space... I suppose I'll do some sort of therapy gig, or maybe I could do a hodge podge of contracting work (grant writing and clinical). I could start my own practice for CBT/psychosis - maybe I could work out of CFC... dunno... but to do that I'd have to get my ass to England for some real training... or I could ask ani if she wants to start an alternative community foundation for Buffalo... she might like that.

Oh, did I mention that Les found a lump in my left breast?! That makes the health insurance issue a bit sticky, and of course can't get on Leslie's because of same sex unions not being legally recognized... never mind that we've been together for years and are in word and deed each other's next of kin - according to the good ol' USA, we are 'legal strangers' and I cannot access health insurance benefits through her employer...

Enough on that... I'm trying to cheer myself by thinking of all the options that I may manifest... hmmm... I don't really like fund-raising. But consulting... maybe... maybe Roberta and I should start a consulting business... I could check with Judy Simpson re: how she did hers... or... I could work at the Wellness Center...

Being a therapist sounds fun... maybe I could get certified in CBT... and then train in England...