Tuesday, May 25, 2004
More Dogs and Test Anxiety...
Now I'm waiting for Er and her dogs to come over. Hopefully they'll do okay with Cinder and Jazzie, who are like two peas in a pod (Zuni tends to keep to herself).
My classmates from out-of-town are in town; they want us to study together. They'll probably want to process my failure of the exam the first time... I think I know what I did wrong - I wrote at a maniacal pace and intellectually vomited every technicality I knew and could critique/comment on, rather than reflectively assimilating as is my usual writing style when doing academic stuff. I really want to slow down; if I don't know it, I can look it up. I'm going to relax and take it easy this time - it's eight hours that I never wanted to do again, and so I shan't - at least, not in the same fashion. I shall take pee breaks. I shall eat lunch. And I shall drink merrily afterword...
Uh, oh. Thunder!! Er and her doggers and the rest of us may be stuck indoors... But at least my plant babies at home will be getting watered...
I feel reclusive - I think I need to study with other folks, or I'm not going to study at all (my study stuff is still in my car...). But I cringe away - I don't understand this aspect of myself, so explaining it to others is difficult... I go through these phases where I don't return calls right away, or even at all if the person leaves demanding messages. By 'the person', I generally mean long-time friends... which would basically mean I'm an asshole... (More thunder - I love storms!!!) Why do I treat people like this? I guess it's the people that don't give me space when I need it - when 'I' need it - never mind what they might need - see, there's the asshole factor again :(. (There's a beautiful reddish finch taking shelter from the rain in the bush outside the window - I could almost touch her - this place is akin to paradise... poor little Jazzie is hiding under my chair so that the evil Thunder Monster doesn't get him...) But I've struggled with this aspect of myself for so long... I don't always answer my phone, and I don't call back right away sometimes... but it has to do with when the relationship is becoming draining or otherwise screwed up... that much I do know. I love my friends - I guess I'm lucky they put up with my crap, as I put up with theirs...
So, I suppose I should call my classmates and set up our study date... they don't even give me any crap - it's the test issue that is making me pull back... I just want to go in and take it cold - fuck preparing. What good did it do me?? Maybe part of me wants to fail again so I could have an obvious (although embarrassing) reason as to why I was out of the program... But I suppose I want to pass, and stay. I do like qualitative research, and teaching, and there are those who do not scoff at my contributions... and more importantly, I do not scoff at my contributions...
Now I'm waiting for Er and her dogs to come over. Hopefully they'll do okay with Cinder and Jazzie, who are like two peas in a pod (Zuni tends to keep to herself).
My classmates from out-of-town are in town; they want us to study together. They'll probably want to process my failure of the exam the first time... I think I know what I did wrong - I wrote at a maniacal pace and intellectually vomited every technicality I knew and could critique/comment on, rather than reflectively assimilating as is my usual writing style when doing academic stuff. I really want to slow down; if I don't know it, I can look it up. I'm going to relax and take it easy this time - it's eight hours that I never wanted to do again, and so I shan't - at least, not in the same fashion. I shall take pee breaks. I shall eat lunch. And I shall drink merrily afterword...
Uh, oh. Thunder!! Er and her doggers and the rest of us may be stuck indoors... But at least my plant babies at home will be getting watered...
I feel reclusive - I think I need to study with other folks, or I'm not going to study at all (my study stuff is still in my car...). But I cringe away - I don't understand this aspect of myself, so explaining it to others is difficult... I go through these phases where I don't return calls right away, or even at all if the person leaves demanding messages. By 'the person', I generally mean long-time friends... which would basically mean I'm an asshole... (More thunder - I love storms!!!) Why do I treat people like this? I guess it's the people that don't give me space when I need it - when 'I' need it - never mind what they might need - see, there's the asshole factor again :(. (There's a beautiful reddish finch taking shelter from the rain in the bush outside the window - I could almost touch her - this place is akin to paradise... poor little Jazzie is hiding under my chair so that the evil Thunder Monster doesn't get him...) But I've struggled with this aspect of myself for so long... I don't always answer my phone, and I don't call back right away sometimes... but it has to do with when the relationship is becoming draining or otherwise screwed up... that much I do know. I love my friends - I guess I'm lucky they put up with my crap, as I put up with theirs...
So, I suppose I should call my classmates and set up our study date... they don't even give me any crap - it's the test issue that is making me pull back... I just want to go in and take it cold - fuck preparing. What good did it do me?? Maybe part of me wants to fail again so I could have an obvious (although embarrassing) reason as to why I was out of the program... But I suppose I want to pass, and stay. I do like qualitative research, and teaching, and there are those who do not scoff at my contributions... and more importantly, I do not scoff at my contributions...
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