Sunday, May 23, 2004
Hmmm... must be that time of year - May. It's been a year since my first post; but it's no weird May thing - why I felt like posting again right now is simply because I'm dog-sitting and my paper journal is far away.
I am trying to take inventory of my life; I am sort of in this pleasant apathetis state, flowing to a fault... I am taking my doctoral qualifying exam - again - flunked part of it the first time. It's this Friday, and I'm so not into it, or the program and social events and trainings and publishing and the cloud of 'thinly veiled competition' in most folks' eyes. I'm came close to buying in - I did - but being ripped a new asshole for the part of the exam I failed shocked me right out of it. It was a trauma in my (at that time) ever-shrinking mind - I felt shame and betrayal. Now... I feel free. But I don't know what's next, exactly. I have a wonderful place to live, a loving partner. I don't know what my 'path with a heart' looks like anymore. I'm happy living on a shoe-string budget, gardening and playing with my animals. Teaching and clinical practice call distantly to me, but, I am so in the moment that it is easy to stay with the path of least resistance. And what is wrong with that, anyway???????? I wonder if I'm lazy or unmotivated - my goals are so simple and I prefer working with my body and reject the egg-head life-style which I once flirted with. I suppose I remain an intellectual, but not an academic (bell hooks distinguishes these nicely in her most recent book about teaching community). But even such labels are kinda boring...
Travelling was interesting. I went to Slovakia and now I'm very intrigiued with communism and post-communism, as it played out there and the rest of Eastern Europe. I was there when Slovakia and the other 'new' countries joined the European Union, and had some very interesting conversations with folks about the perceived pros and cons of joining. I want to see the movie 'Goodbye, Lenin' now, and I've been trying to read and educate myself. I realized I was/am embarassingly ignorant about communism, other than the cute little text book history I got in some homogenized history class way back when...
They seem to be embracing capitalism big-time as a culture now; I hope they pay attention to how countries like Holland have done it - a socialist capitalism might be the ideal - certainly our way is not, although one of my favorite profs insists that capitalism is the ONLY economic system that allows a nation-state to generate a surplus enough to create a social welfare system/safety next for its citizens. I guess my arguments are two-fold - 1) what if such a large welfare machine was not necessary, cuz citizens were basically making it without such a costly safety net; and 2) he does not take into account the increasing transfer of wealth transfer to transnational corporations, many of which have larger GDPs as compared to countries...
Well, speaking of capitalism and wealth transfer, what would I do if I won the lotto?? This is my question that supposedly helps me see what my life goals are... Well, I used to say I'd be studying full-time in the doctoral program and travelling... maybe I am afraid of failing again. I dunno. It's easier to detach than to be afraid. But I was having trouble with the whole academic sub-culture before the failure; it just sort of served as a catalyst for my angst. Whatever. Okay, lotto question...
1) Pay off our debts & the debts of our families
2)Buy a big old house in our neighborhood with a huge backyard for the hounds
3) Use the bulk of the $$$$ as an endowment to start a foundation for animals rights, mental health, and various other social justice issues and projects
4) Travel (after I've rested up from my most recent jaunt...)
5) Buy bunches of forest acreage and put them in some sort of land-trust protected status
6) Donate $ to our church toward the wellness center
I don't have any work stuff there - no school, no writing, no practice stuff... I suppose starting the foundation could be construed as work-related.... dunno. I have no major goals. Guess I knew this. We're working on our debts, and I'm sure we'll get the old house at some point. I'll volunteer for the wellness center, and I already travel. I suppose I'm lucky and blessed... So why do I feel so quietly weary and a tinge sad? What happened to my 'dreams of youth'? Is it that I've achieved many of them, or is it more an Indigo Girl thing of 'my dreams came in like needy children, tugging at my sleeve - I said I have no way of feeding you so leave..."
I am trying to take inventory of my life; I am sort of in this pleasant apathetis state, flowing to a fault... I am taking my doctoral qualifying exam - again - flunked part of it the first time. It's this Friday, and I'm so not into it, or the program and social events and trainings and publishing and the cloud of 'thinly veiled competition' in most folks' eyes. I'm came close to buying in - I did - but being ripped a new asshole for the part of the exam I failed shocked me right out of it. It was a trauma in my (at that time) ever-shrinking mind - I felt shame and betrayal. Now... I feel free. But I don't know what's next, exactly. I have a wonderful place to live, a loving partner. I don't know what my 'path with a heart' looks like anymore. I'm happy living on a shoe-string budget, gardening and playing with my animals. Teaching and clinical practice call distantly to me, but, I am so in the moment that it is easy to stay with the path of least resistance. And what is wrong with that, anyway???????? I wonder if I'm lazy or unmotivated - my goals are so simple and I prefer working with my body and reject the egg-head life-style which I once flirted with. I suppose I remain an intellectual, but not an academic (bell hooks distinguishes these nicely in her most recent book about teaching community). But even such labels are kinda boring...
Travelling was interesting. I went to Slovakia and now I'm very intrigiued with communism and post-communism, as it played out there and the rest of Eastern Europe. I was there when Slovakia and the other 'new' countries joined the European Union, and had some very interesting conversations with folks about the perceived pros and cons of joining. I want to see the movie 'Goodbye, Lenin' now, and I've been trying to read and educate myself. I realized I was/am embarassingly ignorant about communism, other than the cute little text book history I got in some homogenized history class way back when...
They seem to be embracing capitalism big-time as a culture now; I hope they pay attention to how countries like Holland have done it - a socialist capitalism might be the ideal - certainly our way is not, although one of my favorite profs insists that capitalism is the ONLY economic system that allows a nation-state to generate a surplus enough to create a social welfare system/safety next for its citizens. I guess my arguments are two-fold - 1) what if such a large welfare machine was not necessary, cuz citizens were basically making it without such a costly safety net; and 2) he does not take into account the increasing transfer of wealth transfer to transnational corporations, many of which have larger GDPs as compared to countries...
Well, speaking of capitalism and wealth transfer, what would I do if I won the lotto?? This is my question that supposedly helps me see what my life goals are... Well, I used to say I'd be studying full-time in the doctoral program and travelling... maybe I am afraid of failing again. I dunno. It's easier to detach than to be afraid. But I was having trouble with the whole academic sub-culture before the failure; it just sort of served as a catalyst for my angst. Whatever. Okay, lotto question...
1) Pay off our debts & the debts of our families
2)Buy a big old house in our neighborhood with a huge backyard for the hounds
3) Use the bulk of the $$$$ as an endowment to start a foundation for animals rights, mental health, and various other social justice issues and projects
4) Travel (after I've rested up from my most recent jaunt...)
5) Buy bunches of forest acreage and put them in some sort of land-trust protected status
6) Donate $ to our church toward the wellness center
I don't have any work stuff there - no school, no writing, no practice stuff... I suppose starting the foundation could be construed as work-related.... dunno. I have no major goals. Guess I knew this. We're working on our debts, and I'm sure we'll get the old house at some point. I'll volunteer for the wellness center, and I already travel. I suppose I'm lucky and blessed... So why do I feel so quietly weary and a tinge sad? What happened to my 'dreams of youth'? Is it that I've achieved many of them, or is it more an Indigo Girl thing of 'my dreams came in like needy children, tugging at my sleeve - I said I have no way of feeding you so leave..."
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